Hidden Beauty

This post was resently sent to me, thank you friend.


It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? I need that now Mommy!

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' Hurry Mom, I'll be late!

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Jan ice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Jan ice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These bui lders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fuelled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. (I have been studying this in my art appreciation class, some of these cathedrals took one hundred years to build, amazing! ~Janna)

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.'

No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become. At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness.. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there..'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!

It's my Birthday!

update first on Dad. he is still suffering from intestinal problems, just seems we get over one hurdle and here comes another, he really just wants to be able to eat, sleep and get well.
i'll find out all of the details tomorrow if I am able to get to KC then with good weather? so far i think it will be clear roads.
being 49 hasn't seemed bad so far today! had my toes polished so now they are beautiful and maybe i can get some organizing done in my craft room this afternoon. that will make my return so much nicer- a clean area ready for me to sit and scrap in all january!

Wednesday, 12/16

Well, we were able to move Dad to a rehabilitation center in north Kansas City yesterday. He took the ride alright but is having a very hard time with the transition. His bed at KU was an air matress and this one isn't but it is made to fight bedsores. The director is looking for a better solution for him. His pain meds were changed from iv to pills and he isn't doing well there either. This is a hard time for him and for Mom. The good news is he hasn't needed Rosie, the dialysis machine for several days! His kidneys are slowly but steadly improving. YEAH!!!
Keep them in prayers for strength and healing. Of course the quicker the better! Thank you all again for loving us through this time. I will be posting an address tomorrow so cards and mail can be sent to Dad.

Christmas Letter to Our Family and Friends

To my dear friends and family,
This year has been full of the most interesting challenges for our family. We have learned to trust on our Heavenly Father for the most basic of needs and for life itself. We have grieved with some of you and celebrated with others. And for sure, we have been reminded to be grateful for every day and to give thanks for all the bounty God has provided.
Our family is healthy and doing well at the end of 2009. We welcomed Truman into our hearths in February. He is a sweetheart and his smile just makes me melt. He has a quiet disposition and loves to talk to you. He just studies our voices while he tries to repeat the sounds. He is about ready to walk and has discovered a whole new world once he learned to pull up to the furniture! Tessa turned two in November. Oh, my, is she smart! She keeps us all laughing at the things she comes up with. I think dance will be in her future. She is also part monkey. Climbing is her favorite activity around the house. At the playground she races to the slide, the higher the better. She has such courage and is so sure footed. She can turn anything into a jungle gym. When I hear, “Hi, Nana” as I come into the house after work I just melt. Those words are so dear to me.
Branden, Bev, Ryan and Sarah make Derrell and I so proud. They work hard and are making a difference in the world around them. We don’t get to spend near enough time with Ryan with him in Manhattan and so busy at work. His time in the Army is about over and that will make it easier for him to get home and give us time to go and visit there. He bought a new house with two of his buddies. They went into it with a five year plan. It has been a great adventure for them all. Bev had a terrible auto accident in Aug. The car was totaled but thankfully she had only minor injuries. It took them nearly three months to clear up all the insurance mess and buy a new car. I think they are finally breathing a bit easier with that behind them. Sarah just finished her last final today. School is so hard and she is constantly challenged. She is confident of her decision of becoming a nurse and I can see that confidence in other areas of her life as well.
We are thankful to have Daddy with us today. His fall last month from his deer stand nearly took his life. Recently, the doctors and nurses shared with us how they are amazed at his recovery. Most men wouldn’t have survived, they say. We know differently. One, Daddy is amazing himself. He can out walk most other men half his age. Also, he is giving God all the glory for his healing. Dad’s journey has really just begun with his move to rehab this week. He still needs a lot of prayer and encouragement. We have so many other things that God has worked through for us this year. Not everything was answered with a yes but he was always there answering our prayers. God is truly worthy of all praise and celebrating his son’s birth fills my heart with joy and love.
May your Christmas be one of joy and love too. Family web if you’re interested
ds_hall@sbcglobal.net sherylreneehall.blogspot.com

The year I'd rather not repeat!

2009 in Review
January
Dad learns that his vocal cord cancer is still there, after surgery and radiation last fall
Mom and Dad celebrate 51st anniversary!
February
5th Truman Eric Hall born!
Truman, 8 days old put in hospital, RSV, 12 days
Dad has surgery with new doctor at KU for his throat, a week later he is put in hospital with blood clots in his leg, both lungs and his heart
March
Uncle Gil died
April
Derrell lay off from Learjet
May
June
Aunt Erlene died (Derrell’s aunt)
July
Mom finds out she has afib like her Mom had, put on blood thinner
Ron (cousin) died in atv accident
Uncle Nick died (Derrell’s uncle, husband to Erlene)
Derrell hired by AeroTek!
Mom had blood pool in her knee, off of her leg for a month
August
Daddy had a laryngectomy, after 18 months fighting cancer of his vocal cords
Bev’s car totaled, thankful for seatbelts!
September
October
November
Derrell and I celebrate our 30th anniversary
Daddy fell from his deer stand, 16ft., undiscovered for 9hr., KU ICU at this time
December
Found out Derrell will be going to Afghanistan for six months for work in March.
Sarah has been having health issues, blood test are being ran, and retested
Daddy is sent to rehab in north KC, so much closer to Mom
My brother, Wes, diagnosed with diabeties
Hurry up 2010!

Thankful, Sunday 12/13

We are still here in ICU at KU Med. Daddy's kidneys are much better but it will be weeks before he is done with Rosie. That is her name. At least that is what we call her. She is a portable dialysis machine and she looks just like Rosie from the Jetsons cartoon! We hear rumors of moving to a rehab maybe tomorrow. There is one up north that is very new and much closer to the house. I will believe it when it happens! It will be nice there but they don't encourage overnight stays by family and we definatly stay with him at night so they will need to get over that one real fast! We were told it is "case by case" basis, well, we are a case so no problem! Food is slowly beginning to taste better but after nearly 4 weeks of nothing, just a few bites and Dad is done. He does seem to especially enjoy anything icecream! I guess not that much has changed.

Slow but Steady

The post about Dad are beginning to sound the same! so I won't be updating daily while he is at this stage of healing. He still needs dialysis every day or so. His kidneys are showing some promise of healing so that is good news. It can take up to four months for them to heal and function at 100% if at all. We trust for complete healing! His heart has continued to beat at normal rhythm and his lungs have stayed clear. The whole deal with eating will depend on how his ilyostomy heals. It will begin with feedings through a nose tube then to liquids then to soft foods. I don't see that steak in his near future! But then again, if Dad is determined enough who knows? haha! I have been home for a couple of nights while I went to several appointments myself. My fibromyalgia was in quite a flare so my rhumatologist gave me a wonderful shot of steroids! I head up to KU in the morning. I hope to be home in time for Christmas week and back to work in January. My boss is the best ever. She has supported me so much through this and I really am thankful for her.

weekend number 3 update

Yesterday marked the beginning of dad's fourth week here at KU. His saturday was a bit rough. He was in a lot of pain and asking for more meds but his bp was high so for a while it was tough for him. His dialysis was 5 hours yesterday. He has today off from that. Last night they changed his pain med to dilotin and increased his sedation meds a bit so now he has stable vitals and is sleeping very peaceablly. He isn't strong enough to be off of the vent yet. To do that he needs to be more awake and he has so much pain that it seems best for him to sleep with the vent helping him. Mom and I sit here watching him and the football game!
We have a new family here that we have met and bonded with. Wendel had a farm trailer run over him from left hip to right shoulder. They are from east KS and are from the Old German Baptist Brethern community. It is so interesting to see who God brings along for us to meet and befriend. It may only be for a season, but several of the ones we have met here will hold a dear place in my heart long after Dad has healed and this is far behind us. I am thankful on this Sunday.

Friday Dec 4

What a day. Surgery was at 10ish this morning so we didn't need to wait all day for that. Dad is recovering well this evening. They decided not to reconnect the bowels at this time, there was too much swelling. If they had gone ahead and then it had leaked or tore open then Dad would have been in big trouble. As it is now, he has an ileoscopy (like a colanoscopy but with the small intestine) in his side. This will be reversed later down the road. He is already being tested to see if he can come off of the vent tonight and his sedation meds and blood pressure meds have been discontinued. No fever, good color and responding to voices. It is good news and a great day.

Thursday 12/3

I made it to KC with no problems. The highway was full of southbound Fed Ex trucks. Someone is having a Merry Christmas! Dad is sleeping well and wakes up easily when we talk to him. The test today is checking his adrinal glands making sure they are functioning as they should. He is on all kinds of meds now also. Antibiotics, antiyeast,anti justabouteverything else they have on hand! The surgeon said that once tomorrow's surgery is over that it should be all downhill (or uphill, depending on how you look at it!) but it will be better. I don't think he has anything else left to test or xray! Tomorrow they will flush out his abdomen and see if they can reattach the intestines yet. Pray that he is healthy enough to be done with this part and they won't need to do a temp colostomy.

surgery update

Mom had Aunt Anna, Uncle Dwayne, Mitchell,Tammy, Aunt Vicky and George with her this evening. It is great to have family close enough to be where I couldn't. Thank you everyone for being there for Momma so she wasn't alone. Three hours after they took Daddy back they finished and talked to Mom. .... I am sitting here,,,,,waiting,,,,,for the phone toooooooooo..... RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this feeling of knowing they are hearing something and I am sitting here..... now knowing what they are saying..... is it good news? bad news? horrible, terrible, the worst news ever? I HATE NOT KNOWING!.... so now I keep praying.... and waiting..... trusting....
Yeah! surgery is over and it went well. 22 inches removed of small intestine and some lg. intestine. with ganegreen in the area. Dad is very sick right now but they will go back in in two days to clean and evaluate the situation. He may need a temp colostomy but it should be alright in a few days. I'm heading home tomorrow for a few more days to be with Momma and Daddy. I hated the wait tonight but am thankful for God's love and provision and his never ending peace that carries me through. Love you Daddy.

Wednesday Dec 2

The past few days had been fairly uneventful for Daddy. He was having problens with his intestines not wanting to work properly but he was strong enough to start pysical therapy. They want him strong so he can get himself around in a wheelchair until he is healed and ready to walk again. Well tonight they ran another scan and found problems in his intestines. A leak and possibly an obstruction. He is in surgery now while they check it out. I am here in Mulvane so I called my second brother to go and sit with Momma at the hospital. That is George by the way! I know mom called Wes but he has to get up so early for work tomorrow. George doesn't live too far away. I am waiting for an update and will post after I hear from Mom. Please keep up the prayers.

Friday, Saturday

Dad continues to improve. He has been taken off of his vent completely now. It is a lot of work for him but his test show that he is able to handle it ok. Sat. they removed his swan from his heart. They also did a swallow test and he passed so this evening he is enjoying a chocolate milk shake!!!!! He has only been responsive since tues. so this pace is really very fast. He is very weak and has troubles lifting his arms and hands but it won't be very long untl he is strong again. Dialysis is still in his future so we pray that the kidneys finish healing soon.

Thanksgiving Day

We are giving thanks for answered prayer today. Dad is able to "talk" and even trying to write on a notepad. Mom and I are spending the day with my Uncle Dwayne and Aunt Anna. Her family has invited us to an Italian American Thanksgiving.... What fun we had! The food was wonderful and so was our time spent together. Dad trys to sleep most of the time and has a pain pump. The staff here are beginning to talk about Dad's future. Mom and I noticed thay hadn't done that before now. We are not out of danger yet but we have hope and that is enough.

Wednesday is even better.

This is a wonderfully blessed day. Dad is able to focus his eyes on us for a few seconds at a time. He can move his arms and hands some and responds to request to move his feet and legs. The best news is his kidneys are beginning function. It will be a long road to complete recovery but at least we have begun the journey.

Tuesday is a good day.

This early noontime Daddy began responding! He stuck out his tongue so the nurse(our sweet Miss Kim) could brush his teeth. He is moving his right leg some and shakes his head to answer my question of do you hear me? Yeah! God is soooo good. Last night the trama Dr. Udobi did what he called house keeping. He moved dad's central line and iv to his leg and then put a tube called a swan into his heart. It runs all the way through his chambers and into the pulminary artery. This can keep the minute details and pick up exactly what his heart is doing. He still goes into a-fibbut responds to meds. The heart Dr. isn't worried about his heart having long lasting problems, she thinks time will help. The nero resident had him moving his eyes in response to her directions. All of this is such an answer to prayers. Yesterday I was so afraid that he wasn't going to come back to us. I wasn't loosing faith but was getting ready for whatever God was bringing our way. It is still a very long journey for dad and us , but we are not alone.

Sunday, Monday

For Sunday our biggest concern was Daddy not responding after ending his seditive and pain meds. Today he had another round of dialysis. He still isn't responding but his breathing had increased rate so they began the pain meds again. The trama team was changed over today and Dad was re-evaluated by Dr. Udobi. They want him to wake up also! yeah, we are all on the same team. Dad had an MRI and CAT scan last night,they both showed nothing wrong. The newest stratagy is to make sure the heart is operating properly, it is in a-fib again today and keep his blood pressure high enough. They have ordered many more xrays and blood test. We wait and see and pray a lot. The kidney problem is a concern but not a priority for now.
On a happier note, Saturday was a hit and Tessa celebrated a wonderful second birthday. Papa and I had gotten her a new indoor/outdoor slide. She loves it! I wouldn't be surprised to see it in the livingroom when I get back home. We sat it up on the screend in porch but Bubbers wants to crawl out there too! Tessa also got a new pair of boots. She had gone home that night and had her pjs on, when Branden went to check on her she had them back on over her pj footies! do I know my girl or what?

It is a BIG Happy Birthday Day

Today is Daddy's 74th birthday. I am at home with my family this weekend celebrating Tessa's Happy #2 birthday. She shares this wonderful day with her greatpapa Jim. Daddy was born on his mom's 21st birthday. Today she would have been 95. Happy Birthday Grandma, we love and miss you very much. I gave daddy a big kiss and hand rub yesterday before I left. I will be going back to KC on monday morning and spend the week with mom.
Daddy had dialysis again today. It helps his system when they remove the fluid. He is considered improving by the Dr. but it is still such small steps. I pray that his lungs continue to be clear. I don't want to borrow trouble but that is so vital to his recovery. They haven't decided when to bring him out of his sedation. I think every day he is sleeping is another day of healing and one less of pain. They don't like to keep them down too long because of the lung problems. It is such a give and take time for his health care. I do like the nurses and Dr.s that have been overseeing his care and am thankful for their concern and hard work.
Now we are getting ready to party hardy and celebrate Miss Tessa's Happy second Birthday! fun fun fun till the sun goes down, (hat leaves us about 3 min. haha)

friday

We are thankful everyday for Daddy's Dr.s. We have a trama Dr. that is staying very close to dad's case. He is having several problems today. His pancrease is slow and they gave him insulin today to help it out, not sure if this is new or if it just was bad enough today to give him the insulin. His kidneys keep improving very slowly but improving. They ran three hours of dialysis yesterday and are again today. they took 3 Lts of fluid off yesterday, that is about 6 and 1/2 lbs of fluid. This will probably continue for a few more days. His heart was running fast after surgery so they had a continual med in his iv. they were going to push through a lg dose to correct the speed when they noticed that daddy had self corrected. so no push. Today though, his heart has sped back up and a cardio team has been called in to evaluate. They are keeping him sedated so he can continue to heal. The vent is slowly being weaned off.

thursday 11/19

dad is resting again today, listed are a few of the plans and problems he faces
>still on ventilator
>sedated
>irregular heartbeat, meds to regulate
>regular scheduled dialysis due to renal failure, the prayers are thet this self corrects, some output on his own
>feeding tube
what a day.

Surgery Day

Today has started well. It seems that the bladder surgery did it's job and the amount of output has increased and it is much clearer. Isn't it fun to talk about someone elses pee and that someone is your daddy? haha They took him into surgery this morning about 11:10. So the wait has begun.
1:35>they have the first and main screw put in place. so far so good. 5:40> more hardware is in place and they are about ready to turn him. he is doing fine so far.7:00> The internal part seems to be finished?, they are putting the external hardware in now.
9:00> just talked to Dr Heddings, all went very well, he put a plate across the back of dad's spine and a long "bolt" that connects the back of the pelvis, a screw was placed through the left side of the pelvis, externally 2 long post screw into the front of the pelvis on each side with a stabilizer bar across the front that will stay in place for about 8 weeks or as long has dad can tolerate them, Daddy lost about 1 1/2 lts. of blood but they were able to filter it back through and gave it back to him. The front plate wasn't able to be used due to the leaking of the bladder on impact, the probability of infection was too high if they used it. So, now they are running another ct scan to check everything one more time. the kidney output was low during surgery so we aren't sure about that. he will be on the ventilator tonight,

Evening Surgery

Dad's day has been a bit calmer and he has rested better. They wanted to go ahead and repair the bladder tonight so they are taking him back soon. Of course, that is a relative term. We have been blessed with wonderful families to share the waiting room with. So much sorrow but so much hope too. Prayer circles have been a common thing today. I will edit this post later tonight after talking to Daddy's surgeon.......it is 8:20 and still waiting to take Daddy into the operating room... KU Med time is a bit like military time..hurry up and wait!...more when we get it...Dr visit was good news, repair was successful, it was needed because of a weakend area that was dying that was next to the tear and now it is all healthy tissue again. Now we wait for tomorrow and that repair.

KU Med

We are in a waiting mode today, Daddy is more aware and doing well. This hospital is no stranger to us. Dad has been here several times this year with his throat and voicebox. This place rocks. The staff, nurses, techs, Dr.s and even the cleaning crew have always been so kind and patient with us and Daddy. The team concept is strong here. This trip, the're are several teams working. Urology(bladder), renal(kidneys), pulminary(lungs), and ortho(bone surgeon). They have always known what is going on and are able to answer questions for us. The communication between each of them is amazing considering the size of this place. I especially have been very pleased with the nursing care in the surgical icu unit. Professional, calm, funny when needed and they care so much about their patients. Thanks KU Med for taking such great care of my family and my daddy.

the story: day two

Daddy has had a rough day with pain. The Dr.s are monitoring his kidney and bladder situation. It looks like they will operate on the bladder tomorrow. They would like to put it off until Wed. so he is only under once but we are waiting to see which would be best for him. This evening he had a 2 hr. dialysis session and they are repeating it again in the morning. Dad slept through it. His pain meds are making him itch so a dose of benadril helped quite a bit. He hasn't been awake much. They also put a filter in his vein to prevent any possible blood clots from traveling up to his heart or lungs.
I am taking Sarah back to Emporia tonight, sleeping there and then back to KU in the morning. Mom is heading home and will be back in the am as well. We are all a bit tired and ready for Wednesday to be here and over for Daddy. Thanks for checking in.

our mighty deerhunter

My dad, James, loves to hunt deer and this weekend opened gun season in Missouri. Dad hunts at a friends property several miles from his home. Opening day, saturday, Dad had a buck in view and stood up in his stand to get a clearer shot. The strap that attaches the stand to the tree broke. Daddy fell about 16 feet to the ground. Landing on his right knee, his entire pelvic area took the shock of the impact. His pelvis broke away from his spine on both sides. On the left side the break is fairly clean but goes all of the way through. The right side is a different story. It was crushed and the break is very jagged and mushy. The front of the pelvic bone has been seperated and will need to be repaired also. The Dr. has ordered a rare piece of equipment that will help stablize the whole pelvic floor. It should be here on Tuesday and he will have the sugery on Wednesday. Mom, Sarah and I met with the surgeon and really like him. He took us to the computer where he showed us the CT scan. That was very cool. It was a 3-D of dad's pelvis, then he printed it for us and for Sarah to take to nursing school with her for show and tell. Seriously though, his bladder seems to have a leak in it and his kidneys don't want to work at full capacity. If the kidney problem persist, he may be put on dialysis for a few days to help them get jump started. It is all a bit overwhelming right now and prayers are needed. Dad is being a great patient as always and has the staff laughing with him once in a while. His pain is intense and meds help but put him into too deep of a sleep. It will be a long week for sure. I'll update here tomorrow.

Summer has ended with the sound of school bells. Classes have started, my students groan and secretly so do I. The alarm goes off so early now after several weeks of late nights and later mornings. The cool crisp air greets me each morning, leaving a covering of dew across the lawn. I know it won't be long until there really will be a layer of frost on the pumpkins. This season passes so quickly and each morning brings a new layer of color to enjoy. Fall reminds me to slow down and enjoy the beauty around me, a time for hot chocolate, a warm blanket and a good book. I love this time of year.

A New School Year

It is a new school year and it comes with a glitch. Derrell has been watching our grandbabies the past 2 years while Bev and I work down in Belle Plaine at the school there. This summer he started a new job and for a few weeks he has been working 12 hour shifts. The end date was supposed to be this Friday-NOT! So now what? We hope some creative scheduling will let everyone work, everyone get their sleep and will keep the babies safe and happy. I hope this isn't the beginning of a long year!